Destiny and fate have been the more acceptable solace in my quest of finding answers to the ‘whys’ of my life. Because at times, life is horribly unfair. At times? Most of the times.

My ‘whys’ mostly have no answers. Answering ‘how’ is still possible. But the overwhelming ‘why’ ? I just can’t handle it.

At times the ‘whys’ can loosely be answered with a ‘because’. Because there aren’t really any answers to my ‘whys’ except for what I reason with, the meaning I assign to them over time. ‘Because’ is an easy choice of a word as I take to hide behind destiny and fate.

I grapple with myself in trying to reason out the ‘whys’ when I lose the few ones I love and it hurts deeply. This happens with alarming consistency. The hurt and the pain beat with my heart and merge in my breath. And when I want to give all of me to the ones I love but can’t, the ‘whys’ erupt.

In fact I can never come to terms with the intensity of my loss. I inadequately seek the answers in the ‘whys’ and end up with the ‘because’.

My ‘whys’ spurt when I struggle with my fate which more often than not tests me in every which way. Drawing blood, sweat and tears from my exhausted form. ‘Why‘? Because I am strong and my shoulders can carry any burden. Really?

Why do I ask the ‘whys’? Because I need to be at peace with myself, my soul, my universe and my quests.

When several ‘because’ tear into me and they ring hollow, I go for the ‘how’s’. As Friedrich Nietzsche says, ‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.’

I was told that finding my ‘why’ would instantly solve any existential crisis lingering at the back of my mind. It will get rid of my doubts. Maybe they work for others. But rarely for me.

That’s why I say my ‘whys’ are difficult. And my ‘whys’ are mostly associated with the most critical times of my life.

However, my conflict with ‘whys’ are perennial, with the meaningless ‘how’s’ and the shallow ‘because’. And the ‘whys’ stay on, as I struggle with the answers in my quest for peace. And I don’t perceive any triumph with my ‘whys’ anytime soon.